Loneliness and the human condition.
As i sit here, waiting for my macaroons to finish baking, I turned towards introspection in my life.
I don't particularly think my life has been special, if anything my life's been nothing but hardships until i was 22.
Even as I write this, 26 years of age, living on my own with my cats, planning my second trip to Japan, i can't help but think back on all that i was, all that i am and all that i fear of becoming.
When i was a kid, as you may surmise from seeing my posts, i was anything but a normal kid. I was weird as fuck essentially and kids are not particularly understanding to weirdness, shit adults aren't much better either if we're being honest.
As such i didn't understand why i had to be the subject of ridicule, not until i grew older and began understanding the inner social machinations.
So much of my childhood was painful and lonely, i had very little family to speak of, some aunts that came and went, grandparents were dead or wanted nothing to do with me, parents who were messy and had to deal with their own infidelities putting me and my sister in the crossfire.
She really was the only person i had, even to this day the only person i rely.
Adding on top of that a school life filled with being the odd one out and the weird kid its no surprise i turned out the way i did in my teens.
Hormones and autism are one of those things that just do not mix well, even less when heartbreak was involved. For all the people i loved in secret, guys, girls, those scars stayed with me, they made me who i am in some ways and i think partly were the reason i finally grappled with my sexuality.
And yet, the heart never really recovered from it, i spent the better part of my adult life depressed, filling the hole in my life with people i did not care for, physicality that i didn't care for, because i thought that's what you had to do.
That was happiness right? going out and getting fucked up, leaving with someone you have no connection to and waking up the next day feeling guilt, remorse and ultimately empty again, eating cold pizza and shitty coffee at 7 in the morning waiting for the train to take me home.
Work wasn't much better and situations at home never improved until i was 22 and i landed my first big job, the one I've been at for 4 years.
I've done so much in the past 4 years of my life, i moved out of my parents house, became debt free, i travelled through Europe and Japan, got to meet some amazing friends.
I'm fully aware of what privilege i have to live this life, somedays i wonder if I'm worthy of it.
But the truth is, although life is better, the pain never left me.
Instead i got to grapple with myself, therapy and the like, understood how much i hurt people when i tried to fit in and the people that could've been the one along the way.
Truth is stable relations have always been an impossibility for me, whether by circumstances of life, respecting an existing couple or simply because i was a dickhead.
I do think i lost the one at some point. And that's what scares me in the future.
Death isn't so scary itself, we all end at some point. But what terrifies me at night is what happens when i'm dead? I'm the youngest of a small family, i have no history to look back on and the truth is more than likely i will bury everyone in my life before i go.
Without someone to bury me, does that mean my existence is erased? Already as i am, i feel invisible to people, a ghost that passes through others lives, never impacting it only moving through them to be forgotten or recorded as a footnote.
Even through that fear and the pain I've suffered in my life i still choose to believe in hope. I can't say if the person to share my life with still is waiting for me somewhere, I choose to not think on it anymore.
Instead i choose to impact other peoples lives by helping those i can. I've told my friends before but anyone i know has a couch in my home for life, but more than that i want to help kids the way adults marked my life.
Through literature, philosophy, films and journalism i was given purpose and a place to exist as a child. And I will forever remember those that made that possible for me.
Maybe it's the rambles of a tired idiot who wants to present to the world his woes and have others pity him, i think in some part it is, but maybe it's an exercise in catharsis. Letting my thoughts on the page to allow the boy in my mind some respite.
I hope someday i can turn things around for those who need it, I hope that even if the people i loved the most have been hurt beyond repair with me, i can build other connections. Perhaps someday my fear won't come to pass and someone will bury me.
Someone will eulogize me and in the end, once I'm gone and the world moved past me, somewhere out there a person will think of me. Then i won't be erased from the human consciousness but instead I'll be remembered for the first time.
Even if I don't know what will happen, I choose hope, in spite of everything i've lived through, BECAUSE of everything I've lived through. I choose to hope for the best.
Heres my finished macaroons.
I don't particularly think my life has been special, if anything my life's been nothing but hardships until i was 22.
Even as I write this, 26 years of age, living on my own with my cats, planning my second trip to Japan, i can't help but think back on all that i was, all that i am and all that i fear of becoming.
When i was a kid, as you may surmise from seeing my posts, i was anything but a normal kid. I was weird as fuck essentially and kids are not particularly understanding to weirdness, shit adults aren't much better either if we're being honest.
As such i didn't understand why i had to be the subject of ridicule, not until i grew older and began understanding the inner social machinations.
So much of my childhood was painful and lonely, i had very little family to speak of, some aunts that came and went, grandparents were dead or wanted nothing to do with me, parents who were messy and had to deal with their own infidelities putting me and my sister in the crossfire.
She really was the only person i had, even to this day the only person i rely.
Adding on top of that a school life filled with being the odd one out and the weird kid its no surprise i turned out the way i did in my teens.
Hormones and autism are one of those things that just do not mix well, even less when heartbreak was involved. For all the people i loved in secret, guys, girls, those scars stayed with me, they made me who i am in some ways and i think partly were the reason i finally grappled with my sexuality.
And yet, the heart never really recovered from it, i spent the better part of my adult life depressed, filling the hole in my life with people i did not care for, physicality that i didn't care for, because i thought that's what you had to do.
That was happiness right? going out and getting fucked up, leaving with someone you have no connection to and waking up the next day feeling guilt, remorse and ultimately empty again, eating cold pizza and shitty coffee at 7 in the morning waiting for the train to take me home.
Work wasn't much better and situations at home never improved until i was 22 and i landed my first big job, the one I've been at for 4 years.
I've done so much in the past 4 years of my life, i moved out of my parents house, became debt free, i travelled through Europe and Japan, got to meet some amazing friends.
I'm fully aware of what privilege i have to live this life, somedays i wonder if I'm worthy of it.
But the truth is, although life is better, the pain never left me.
Instead i got to grapple with myself, therapy and the like, understood how much i hurt people when i tried to fit in and the people that could've been the one along the way.
Truth is stable relations have always been an impossibility for me, whether by circumstances of life, respecting an existing couple or simply because i was a dickhead.
I do think i lost the one at some point. And that's what scares me in the future.
Death isn't so scary itself, we all end at some point. But what terrifies me at night is what happens when i'm dead? I'm the youngest of a small family, i have no history to look back on and the truth is more than likely i will bury everyone in my life before i go.
Without someone to bury me, does that mean my existence is erased? Already as i am, i feel invisible to people, a ghost that passes through others lives, never impacting it only moving through them to be forgotten or recorded as a footnote.
Even through that fear and the pain I've suffered in my life i still choose to believe in hope. I can't say if the person to share my life with still is waiting for me somewhere, I choose to not think on it anymore.
Instead i choose to impact other peoples lives by helping those i can. I've told my friends before but anyone i know has a couch in my home for life, but more than that i want to help kids the way adults marked my life.
Through literature, philosophy, films and journalism i was given purpose and a place to exist as a child. And I will forever remember those that made that possible for me.
Maybe it's the rambles of a tired idiot who wants to present to the world his woes and have others pity him, i think in some part it is, but maybe it's an exercise in catharsis. Letting my thoughts on the page to allow the boy in my mind some respite.
I hope someday i can turn things around for those who need it, I hope that even if the people i loved the most have been hurt beyond repair with me, i can build other connections. Perhaps someday my fear won't come to pass and someone will bury me.
Someone will eulogize me and in the end, once I'm gone and the world moved past me, somewhere out there a person will think of me. Then i won't be erased from the human consciousness but instead I'll be remembered for the first time.
Even if I don't know what will happen, I choose hope, in spite of everything i've lived through, BECAUSE of everything I've lived through. I choose to hope for the best.
Heres my finished macaroons.
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